What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

It was going to be , some day.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Has anyone tried bestiality and been caught?

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

She was in good health!

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

What were some things that the ancient Greeks excelled at compared to the Romans?

I have no regrets .

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

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The only rule us 5 kids had .

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Why did i forgive my father ?

Have you ever been physically attacked by a demon?

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

What causes you to be tired all the time and major headaches?

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

What is something you have to share?

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

How can I be okay with being ugly? What is the bright side?

I was seconnd youngest,

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

So whats the point in blame.

Why is every human messed up in some way?

But ive been too sick for many years..

I think the readers, may guess!

One cannot live in the past .

What are the pros and cons of a prospective bride/groom not having any siblings?

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I could never make a relationship work though!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

So, i spoilt her more .

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

All the time i was locked up.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

I will be 64.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I was very sick at this time too.

This is soul school!.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

She loved him until the end.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

As i do to all so called friends.?

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

He knew the spot.

I couldn’t, believe it.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

My life is so biszare .

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Especially a lifetime of it.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Im still living with it.

She married twice! .

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

She wouldn,t have been !

Who then, do I blame.?

Put me off passion for life!!

What did i know ?

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I never cut or harmed myself..

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Comes on , in middle age.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

But, we were locked up after school.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

We all went to grammer schools

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I write beautiful poetry .

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I was 9 years of age.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I don,t even have a pension.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I said to her

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

(And it was in our own minds.)

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

My family never makes their pension either.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Would this be the day?

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

She found it foreign!.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

And i lived it daily.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

When she asked me how she looked .

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

We were not on the streets..

I waited trembling.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Ive learnt so much.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

But it wasn’t much.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I was scared of men, in general

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

He resisted the act ,that day.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..